Humor Magazine, Iran Provides “multifaceted Response” To Un: Launches Ten Missiles

by Tom Attea

Iran provided its long-promised “multi-faceted” response to the proposal by Western nations that the mullahdom stop enriching uranium. A day or so before it presented its written response, the obstreperous nation conducted war games during which ten highly photographed missiles were fired in a generally westerly direction.
Of course, the West had hoped for a more obliging answer, particularly since the proposal contains an attractive package of bribes, diplomatically referred to as incentives, which reportedly includes a selection of books that apparently are no longer readily available in the fundamentalist Islamic backwater, such as the Dickens classic, A Christmas Carol.
Western diplomats felt that the feel-good tale of crotchety meanness converted to enlightened benevolence might act as a moderating force, particularly among the gray-bearded senior members of the turbaned tyranny, who do remind the partial observer of Ebenezer Scrooge before his sudden and celebrated reformation.
German Chancellor Angela Merkel commented, "We are still examining" the Iranian response, "but from everything that I hear we cannot be satisfied.
Certain other hints were provided ahead of Iran’s official “Bah! Humbug!” response. UN inspectors were turned away from the Iranian nuclear facility at Natanz. In response to the affront, the inspectors dared to maintain that their exclusion could seriously hamper international efforts to ensure that the determinedly confrontational regime is not trying to concoct nuclear weapons.
The country’s Supreme Clerical Curmudgeon also foreshadowed what the response might be when he stated, "The Islamic Republic of Iran has made its own decision and in the nuclear case — God willing, (who is, as we all know, the Father of all Islamic nuclear weapons), with patience and power, will continue its path…. Arrogant powers and the U.S. are putting their utmost pressure on Iran while knowing Iran is not pursuing nuclear weapons but only the most peaceful uses of the atomic bomb." He went on to accuse the West of wanting to obstruct scientific progress in the Islamic world and asked other Islamic countries to stand together against the West’s ill-founded concerns about just how peacefully Iran might brandish a nuclear arsenal.
Western leaders, given to blindfolded optimism, remained hopeful until the concrete clarity was thumped onto their diplomatic tray, with German Chancellor Merkel again being able to comment right up to the day of the response, without laughing out loud, "I still hope that it will be positive, although some signals have been very confused; for instance, I’m not sure what war games and missile firings have to do with indications of compliance.” When Iran’s chief nuclear negotiator finally did deliver Iran’s written prevarication, the diplomats were disappointed to learn that, while it was 25-pages long, it did not even suggest the possibility of a moratorium on enrichment, that is, except the hope that the nation’s coffers would soon be enriched by the lavish incentives. The document included, in fact, only one very lightly detectable reference to a willingness even to discuss all aspects of the nation’s nuclear program.
German Chancellor Angela Merkel continued, "We are still examining" the Iranian response, "but from everything that I hear we cannot be satisfied." While diplomats in the capitals of the six powers behind the proposal spoke of disappointment and even anger due to what they maintain is the lack of response to the main demand, none of the six nations has come right out and said the Iranian counteroffer is not adequate. In fact, Russia, China and France voiced their opposition to sanctions in the hope of continuing their excellent trading relations with Iran.
We do hear, however, that some senior Bush administration officials and Republican lawmakers are now voicing their displeasure that American spy agencies have not yet sounded more ominous warnings about the threats they maintain that Iran presents to the US. There was, however, no mention in Uncle Sam’s lumbering approach, as the idealistic US stumbles its usual way toward self-punishing leadership in the contention, that this is one pickle the Europeans have every incentive to take the lead on, since they are, geographically speaking, much more proximate to the turbaned terrorist state.
In order to bring more clarity to its response, Iran may be compelled to fire off a few more pointed missives.
About The Author: Tom Attea, humorist and creator of http://NewsLaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway. Critics have called his writing "delightfully funny," "witty," with "great humor and ebullience" and "good, genuine laughs."
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